Match Made in Heaven - Introduction

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It was none other than Nietzsche who gave us the "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" tenet, which has embedded itself quite firmly into the fabric of western culture and psychology. (Well played Friedrich, you depressive, sepulchral, existentially challenged German fuck.)

There's definite tidiness to the saying's inherent causality and confirmation bias. Within my own attempts to bolster my self-identity as a fairly resilient creature who has withstood hardships frequently, and well, the quote has resonated with me as much as with anyone else trying to give some value and meaning to unsolicited (and often unrelenting) adversity. I have long  identified formally - and with a measure of pride, even - as an Alumna of "the University of Life" and "the School of Hard Knocks" - and not simply because I literally did not graduate high school.   

It is human condition to want to make sense of the world and our experiences in it.  Giving meaningful and even transformative value to our pain and hardships is far more favorable and comforting than simply relegating it all to random fuckenings devoid of meaning or purpose. Even a miserable 19th-century German existentialist named "Fred" was able to extract the silver lining "makes us stronger."

However, as convenient and self-affirming as Nietzsche's adage is, contemporary psychology and science actually demonstrate otherwise:

"The bulk of psychological research on the topic shows that, as a rule, if you are stronger after hardship, it is probably despite, not because of the hardship. The school of hard knocks does little more than knock you down, hard. Nietzschean --and country song-- wisdom notwithstanding, we are not stronger in the broken places. What doesn't kill us in fact makes us weaker." ~ Noam Shpancer, "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Weaker"

Trauma abounds, and begets more trauma one way or the other, it appears.  I've certainly experienced this in my own life, and after fifteen years of working in the mental health and addictions field with survivors of all kinds of gendered violence I've born witness to the unfortunate fact time and time again.

Whatever science indicates, I still believe it can be enormously healing to give meaning to the hardships we endure.  Another saying I've long held dear is, "unearned suffering is redemptive."  In my own healing, and in the healing I've professionally supported in others, I think it's not only acceptable to determine meaning and purpose for our pain, but in fact necessary.  And especially if, as science now repeatedly confirms, experiential trauma increases the likelihood of more.

I rather like the idea of graceful integration of personal meaning into our own healing.  And in my own journey with this, Match Made in Heaven came to be.